All alone

It's been a long time.

It's been a long time since I made a friend,

Being alone made me realize I'm really alone now.

I don't have any friends.

And it sucks asses.

But I know that it is better this way.

I don't have to worry about anything but myself.

And I hate it.

I loved running away from my problems.

Helping everyone else.

Now I'm just lonely and sad.

I'm not anyone anymore.

Just a sad girl

A really sad girl

A really lucky sad girl

xoxo

to keep secret

It's that little spark in your tummy.
That moment when you look at someone and you realize.
This is going to get extremely dirty.


Last night I had that feeling.
I didn't expected it, didn't ask for it.
It just came. 
Like a snake in the night it took me over.


That moment you know he has a girlfriend.
You know you got a boyfriend.
But you still feel that little sneaky feeling.
A small spark, you hope it will never explode.
It can't explode. 
Cause if this bomb burst it's all over.


So I will ignore it for all time sake.
I will not think of you, won't see you.
Cause this isn't a real feeling.
This is a secret to keep. 

Frenemies

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

Things get way out of control lately.
Even though I didn't want to be part of the drama.
I again became in the middle of it.

3 parents
2 persons that should act like parents
1 friend of those persons
And a fucklode people that shouldn't be involved.

This is all just so confusing.
I have to lie and sneek around to see my friends.
This is totally insane!
Why can't they just act fucking normal!
Sometimes I just wanna scream to them.
Stop acting like a 4 year old, and go care for your kid!

Those worries are insane, my life is insane!
These worries arn't worries a 19 year old should have.
Unless your a mother.
But I'm not soooo!
Life please stop acting so fucking wierd!

My fault

How dare you saying this is my fault?
Like I wanted this?
Nobody wanted it this way, would be wierd it they wanted it.
But she can't just say it's all my fault.
Hello!
I'm the one who's in therapie for more than a year.
Mabey she has to realize she is the problem.
Instead of that she's just blaming me...

And than she get's mad cause I'm upset!
This all aint fair.
Why can't she just admit she's part of the problem.
No, that she is the problem!

I just wanna leave and never go back.
I don't want to live with her in one house anymore.
It's time to finally choose for myself.
I'm not getting any happier from this!

Let it go

The more I see the less I know
The more I like to let it go!

Nothing to lose, nothing to feel good of.
There are just days I want to die.
That I secretly hope I get hit by a bus.
Some days I just wish it was over.

He doesn't get it.
Ofcourse he doesn't get it.
Am I starting to get wierd again?
Mabey the thing should go out again.
I'm sceared that it won't be good for my relation.
But now I feel like hell!

Mabey I should just talk to him.
Mabey I should!

About talking and other stuff

Talking never was my thing, never will be.
He just doesn't get it.
I wish that he wouldn't push me this hard.
That he would just wait.

There are so much things I want to say.
But the words just won't come out.
The words can't find theire way from my head to my mouth.

And than that drama queen, he is back.
What the hell am I going to do?
Be nice? Or be mean?
He needs to know that I'm charge now!
I can make him loved or hated.

I wish I would feel better.
Cause at this moment, jumping from a building sounds pretty good.
I'm just sad all the time.
Life was too good to stay good, I guess.

Being

Being in a relationship, it stay's complecated.
We're fighting, keep on loving.
I'm just so happy he gets mad when he doesn't agree.
He doesn't agree with me on everything.

Not being a social queen anymore, it gives me the rest I needed so much.
Not having all those dramaqueens around.
My life finally seems to be my life.
I acctualy like my life at the moment.

I have a great boyfriend, mabey not as much friends as I had before but the friends I still have are real ones.

But all that couldn't keep my thoughts from wondering how your doing.
Are you all right?
How your doing after I broke your heard and teared your world apart?

Faces of loves past

It was newyears day when we first met.
The smile on your face I will never forget.
The moment you asked me to dance.
It was the start of a bad romance.

When I think back of who I was.
Who I've been with.
You always pop up in my head.
And I wonder if your alright.

I think about the wonderfull/messedup time we had.
How I thought I wouldn't ever find a boy like you again.
Now I know better.
You were just an asshol.

But there is no way I regret being with you.
Cause to me you were more important than you will ever know.
And that's oke.
I got my life now, you got yours.

We both got our happy ending!

The female body

Just to be clear, as far as I know 90% of the man don't really care if a woman likes the sex.

I will admit that my experiens with sex suck.
The man I've dated were assholls in bed.

But there is a reason why 70% of the woman have a vibrator.
Yes, because man only think about one thing in bed, theire own orgasme.

I see myself as a pretty strong woman because I'm taking good care of myself.
And mabey that's the problem at this moment.

Monogamy

It has never been my thing.
With all my games and lies.
If I saw a goodlooking guy,
I just had to try.

And I won't regret it for a second.
Now I'm in a relation, I might be to ashamed.
I don't think I will talk about it with him.
But he does't have to worry.
Cause in our relation, I don't miss a thing.

I think the reason people cheat because:
- they miss something in theire relation (that can be good sex, good looks or having good conversations)
- Because they know they can get better (the person your in a relation with just doesn't have the qualitys to be 'the one' for you)

Sad but that is the way it is.
Woman will go for nothing but the best.
If they don't do that theire just sad.

Trends

Fashion isn't about trends, it's about making the woman who wears the clothes feel great.
Fashionista's aren't fashionexperts.
They just dare to feel confortable in whatever they ware.
Today I look fab, and that sceares me.
People looking at me.
I'm sceared they think I'm a wierdo.
While I think I look soo sex in the city.

Spring finally found our little country.
And for the first time I can't find anyone more perfect than my own boyfriend.
Not one of them can tip on him
Could this be it?
Is this how real love feels?
I think it is, cause I can't imagen it better than this.

And than there is an new angel in my life.
Her name is haley and the moment I'm writing this she's 2 days old.
She's a miracle, a little wonder.
I could never understand how people didn't think baby's were little aliens.
But the moment I saw her, hold her.
I just fell in love.

Not that I want a baby in like the next 10 years.
Sorry I'm way to egoistic to have a baby right now.
I acctualy like having a life.

Xoxo

Wrong

The definitions of the word wrong.

I won't say that I've never been wrong.

Cause I've done a lot things, I'm not actually proud of.

Bud even though my actions weren't always good.

My intentions always were.

I never wanted to hurt anyone.

Bud this is different, this is mean.

Your not going to hang out with a guy who raped one of your friends.

You just can't do that!!

That's wrong.

That's hurting someone you love in so many ways.

Stress

I feel like going crazy at the moment.
First I have to keep a secret.
That already makes me crazy.
Not being able to talk about it.

And now my periode is late.
And it's making me crazy.
It's probebly just stress.
But still, like I'm not stressed enough already.

I feel like screaming, crying.
But that wouldn't help.
Cause there is no one who would hear it.
No one to talk to.
I'm going slowly insane!

Egoist

Don't tell me that ist's time to go solo.
You need to have a sitdown with your ego!

One of my friends just told me I'm not special.
I prefer to think I'm uniek. A one of a kind.
I'm different
But so is she, that's why were friends.

This all about a stupid misscomunication.
My intentions are always good.
But my way of handeling things isn't.

I just don't think it's fair.

F*ck

I'm on my way to breda.
And at this moment I should be really happy.
But I'm not!
I saved myself from a half year of hell.
I was increadeble happy and enthousiast.
Until I called my dad.

Why can't he just be happy for me?
Why can't he just be happy for me??

I spend half this ride crying.
Impressing for someone who barely ever cries.
Normaly I first get mad and than I start crying.
Now I cried, and just feeling hurt.

On moments like this I wonder why I even live.
Where the hell do I live for?
Why did my parents even bring me in this world?
It's not like they wanted me anyway.

They wanted this little boy, who likes football.
Bud they got a girl, a fashion girl.
Who loves to make music and put on make-up.
They just can't indentify themselfs with me.

My eyes hurt from the stupid crying.

Moments too late

Were moments away, moments away.
Just seconds too late.

Sometimes I don't see a future for us.
Most of the time I wonder why were together.
Right now, I'm just thinking to much.
When I'm with you...
I'm sceared your gonna leave.

This is me, can you handle it?
I hope you can!

Dissagree

No I won't agree, and I'm not ok with it.
Xtc and cocaine.
I'm worry about my friends.

When I hear my classmates talk about it.
All I think is: it isn't a game.
That shit means trouble.
Theire just careless, they don't know.

They don't know:
How it hurts
How it takes
How it burns
How it breaks

And in a way I'm happy they don't know.
It just frustrates me some times.

It's just hard to see how the drugs take everything.
Slowly...

Unbelievable

Sometimes I think it's a dream.
Sometimes am sceared it's all a game.
Sometimes I view my own facebook just to
See the words 'in a relationship with'
I just can't believe your mine.

I've never been so sceared to lose someone.
I've never been this jealous.
It's a whole new world.
No games.
He's just a really good guy.

And his friends, I like them.

Today we had our first disagreement.
But there is a good explination for it.
I'm gonna tell him.
If he wants to hear it or not.

Hand

Things are really getting out of line in my head.
Now and than I love everything. 
Most of the time, I just hate life.
I hate me.
And because me is bad, but because me sucks.


My friends, if I can even call them friends.
They hate me at the moment. 
I don't know why, guess because I suck.


My family already hates me.
More than they already did, how is it possible?


The meds the drugs they don't work against these feelings.
I'm all alone, no one will understand me.

It's hard to know you need to get high because 
you can't handle your real emoticons.


The sad part is that I choose this way.
I choose to be me. 
And that everyone hates me for that.
It's a thing I have to live with.