Frenemies

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

Things get way out of control lately.
Even though I didn't want to be part of the drama.
I again became in the middle of it.

3 parents
2 persons that should act like parents
1 friend of those persons
And a fucklode people that shouldn't be involved.

This is all just so confusing.
I have to lie and sneek around to see my friends.
This is totally insane!
Why can't they just act fucking normal!
Sometimes I just wanna scream to them.
Stop acting like a 4 year old, and go care for your kid!

Those worries are insane, my life is insane!
These worries arn't worries a 19 year old should have.
Unless your a mother.
But I'm not soooo!
Life please stop acting so fucking wierd!

My fault

How dare you saying this is my fault?
Like I wanted this?
Nobody wanted it this way, would be wierd it they wanted it.
But she can't just say it's all my fault.
Hello!
I'm the one who's in therapie for more than a year.
Mabey she has to realize she is the problem.
Instead of that she's just blaming me...

And than she get's mad cause I'm upset!
This all aint fair.
Why can't she just admit she's part of the problem.
No, that she is the problem!

I just wanna leave and never go back.
I don't want to live with her in one house anymore.
It's time to finally choose for myself.
I'm not getting any happier from this!

Let it go

The more I see the less I know
The more I like to let it go!

Nothing to lose, nothing to feel good of.
There are just days I want to die.
That I secretly hope I get hit by a bus.
Some days I just wish it was over.

He doesn't get it.
Ofcourse he doesn't get it.
Am I starting to get wierd again?
Mabey the thing should go out again.
I'm sceared that it won't be good for my relation.
But now I feel like hell!

Mabey I should just talk to him.
Mabey I should!

Being

Being in a relationship, it stay's complecated.
We're fighting, keep on loving.
I'm just so happy he gets mad when he doesn't agree.
He doesn't agree with me on everything.

Not being a social queen anymore, it gives me the rest I needed so much.
Not having all those dramaqueens around.
My life finally seems to be my life.
I acctualy like my life at the moment.

I have a great boyfriend, mabey not as much friends as I had before but the friends I still have are real ones.

But all that couldn't keep my thoughts from wondering how your doing.
Are you all right?
How your doing after I broke your heard and teared your world apart?

Faces of loves past

It was newyears day when we first met.
The smile on your face I will never forget.
The moment you asked me to dance.
It was the start of a bad romance.

When I think back of who I was.
Who I've been with.
You always pop up in my head.
And I wonder if your alright.

I think about the wonderfull/messedup time we had.
How I thought I wouldn't ever find a boy like you again.
Now I know better.
You were just an asshol.

But there is no way I regret being with you.
Cause to me you were more important than you will ever know.
And that's oke.
I got my life now, you got yours.

We both got our happy ending!

The female body

Just to be clear, as far as I know 90% of the man don't really care if a woman likes the sex.

I will admit that my experiens with sex suck.
The man I've dated were assholls in bed.

But there is a reason why 70% of the woman have a vibrator.
Yes, because man only think about one thing in bed, theire own orgasme.

I see myself as a pretty strong woman because I'm taking good care of myself.
And mabey that's the problem at this moment.

Monogamy

It has never been my thing.
With all my games and lies.
If I saw a goodlooking guy,
I just had to try.

And I won't regret it for a second.
Now I'm in a relation, I might be to ashamed.
I don't think I will talk about it with him.
But he does't have to worry.
Cause in our relation, I don't miss a thing.

I think the reason people cheat because:
- they miss something in theire relation (that can be good sex, good looks or having good conversations)
- Because they know they can get better (the person your in a relation with just doesn't have the qualitys to be 'the one' for you)

Sad but that is the way it is.
Woman will go for nothing but the best.
If they don't do that theire just sad.

Trends

Fashion isn't about trends, it's about making the woman who wears the clothes feel great.
Fashionista's aren't fashionexperts.
They just dare to feel confortable in whatever they ware.
Today I look fab, and that sceares me.
People looking at me.
I'm sceared they think I'm a wierdo.
While I think I look soo sex in the city.

Spring finally found our little country.
And for the first time I can't find anyone more perfect than my own boyfriend.
Not one of them can tip on him
Could this be it?
Is this how real love feels?
I think it is, cause I can't imagen it better than this.

And than there is an new angel in my life.
Her name is haley and the moment I'm writing this she's 2 days old.
She's a miracle, a little wonder.
I could never understand how people didn't think baby's were little aliens.
But the moment I saw her, hold her.
I just fell in love.

Not that I want a baby in like the next 10 years.
Sorry I'm way to egoistic to have a baby right now.
I acctualy like having a life.

Xoxo

Stress

I feel like going crazy at the moment.
First I have to keep a secret.
That already makes me crazy.
Not being able to talk about it.

And now my periode is late.
And it's making me crazy.
It's probebly just stress.
But still, like I'm not stressed enough already.

I feel like screaming, crying.
But that wouldn't help.
Cause there is no one who would hear it.
No one to talk to.
I'm going slowly insane!

Egoist

Don't tell me that ist's time to go solo.
You need to have a sitdown with your ego!

One of my friends just told me I'm not special.
I prefer to think I'm uniek. A one of a kind.
I'm different
But so is she, that's why were friends.

This all about a stupid misscomunication.
My intentions are always good.
But my way of handeling things isn't.

I just don't think it's fair.

F*ck

I'm on my way to breda.
And at this moment I should be really happy.
But I'm not!
I saved myself from a half year of hell.
I was increadeble happy and enthousiast.
Until I called my dad.

Why can't he just be happy for me?
Why can't he just be happy for me??

I spend half this ride crying.
Impressing for someone who barely ever cries.
Normaly I first get mad and than I start crying.
Now I cried, and just feeling hurt.

On moments like this I wonder why I even live.
Where the hell do I live for?
Why did my parents even bring me in this world?
It's not like they wanted me anyway.

They wanted this little boy, who likes football.
Bud they got a girl, a fashion girl.
Who loves to make music and put on make-up.
They just can't indentify themselfs with me.

My eyes hurt from the stupid crying.

Moments too late

Were moments away, moments away.
Just seconds too late.

Sometimes I don't see a future for us.
Most of the time I wonder why were together.
Right now, I'm just thinking to much.
When I'm with you...
I'm sceared your gonna leave.

This is me, can you handle it?
I hope you can!

Dissagree

No I won't agree, and I'm not ok with it.
Xtc and cocaine.
I'm worry about my friends.

When I hear my classmates talk about it.
All I think is: it isn't a game.
That shit means trouble.
Theire just careless, they don't know.

They don't know:
How it hurts
How it takes
How it burns
How it breaks

And in a way I'm happy they don't know.
It just frustrates me some times.

It's just hard to see how the drugs take everything.
Slowly...

Unbelievable

Sometimes I think it's a dream.
Sometimes am sceared it's all a game.
Sometimes I view my own facebook just to
See the words 'in a relationship with'
I just can't believe your mine.

I've never been so sceared to lose someone.
I've never been this jealous.
It's a whole new world.
No games.
He's just a really good guy.

And his friends, I like them.

Today we had our first disagreement.
But there is a good explination for it.
I'm gonna tell him.
If he wants to hear it or not.

Sadness

There is beauty in sadness.
No there isn't!

I'm dying of insecurety.
I don't know what he want's.
Constantly scared I'll do something wrong.
It's making me insane.

And while I try to get everything right with him.
The rest of my life is going soo wrong.

My parants hate me, and now christmas is over.
They don't even try to hide it.
My friend, well they are way to buzy doing fun things.

There is just no one I want to talk to.
I don't want them to feel shit.
I will just kill myself in my own missery.

And now I'm here, all alone.
Going to the shop to buy my next high.
I'm still rather a drug addict, than being sober
Realizing I'm nothing.

Got no friends, no place to go.

Different

Everything is just so different.

When I look at him I can't believe he's mine.
But now I get to know him better.
I don't even want to play games with him.
He's been there done that.

Secretly he is insecure, adorable.
I just can't believe it.

It's just so easy, the familie part and stuff.
The emotional thing, that's the hardest.
He's dammaged just like me.

I think I might falling in love with him.
For real.

Flying

When his lips touch mine.
It's increadeble, our chemestry.

I'm still sceared, I just don't want to lie to him.
I like him, I might even fall in love with him.

What we have, it feels complete.
I know for me it does.
It's almost magical.

Being with him is like flying.
Everything can happen and whatever
Happens I will be save with him.

If it's true, mabey not.
Mabey I'm just an believer.
Guess I rather be lucky in the moment.
Than smart for the future.

Screw it up

Did I screw up by not telling him?
Or am I gonna screw up telling him?
I've never been this insecure.
I've never been so ashamed to tell anyone.

Normaly I'm pretty open about my miserable
state of mind.
But with him I'm way to sceared.
Sceared that he will run away.
Sceared to lose him.

It's unfair, I don't want to feel ashamed.
I don't even want this to be still a part of my life.
But it is, it just is.
It's been 2,5 years ago.
And it played a roll every day since.

I just don't trust

Lovedrunk

Sometimes I wonder why I live.
It's not like life makes any scence.

Last friday this guy said I was his girlfriend.
But he was drunk, and now I just don't know.
Am I his girlfriend now?

He still doesn't know anything about me.
And I don't dare to tell him.
Cause I'm sceared when he knows.
When he gets to know the real me.
He is going to run away.

Because than he will realize, that I'm crazy.
And that it's impossible to have a relation with me.

And is it worth it, I leave in 2 months

It's a dillema

Losing it

Thinking about africa made me realize some things.
I have nothing here to stay for.
There no one to stay for.
I got nothing to lose.

Today I hit rock bottom.
When she said: I just don't want you to be in
Africa and think 'now I'm here cause no one
wants me at home'.
And when she said it, I didn't realize.
Now I do, and it hurts.

It hurts, realizing no one cares.
Nobody wants me here.
I'm a meaningless person.
And I wonder, why do I even live?
Why the hell am I still alive?
Wouldn't it be better if I was death?

Wouldn't that be better for everyone?

So the options are dying or africa.
Guess I'm going to africa.